you can’t handle the truth

I like to think of myself as an honest person.

I value integrity… I value it in others and I consider it a high honor when others consider me a person of integrity.

But, I’ve been thinking about honesty and not just living as an honest person – but, being willing to be honest with my God.

My first thoughts are, “Why would I have anything to hide from God? I mean – He already knows everything, right?”

Then I started really thinking about this…
How honest am I really with my Lord?

Do I believe that He can really handle my honesty?
The truth is… I struggle to believe this.

What if – for a moment, I let down my walls and…
just for a minute…
decided to open my heart and give my Jesus a glance of what is really there… you know – in those dark corners that I hope no one (even myself) will every notice or see…

This scares the daylights out of me… seriously.

I tend to think of myself as an open book – but, ha! That is only about what pages I choose to let show.

If I were to open my heart and be completely honest…
to pour out all of my fears…
to share how inadequate I truly am…
to admit that I’m terrified that I might not measure up…
or that I am not strong enough…

The real truth?

I don’t know if I trust that my God can handle it.
{did I just say that out loud?}
I mean, I “know” it… I was raised with this truth…
But, I’m not so sure I really-deep-down-believe-it.
You know?

Do I really believe that His grace is sufficient…
for… me?

Everything in me wants to shout – “OF COURSE!”
But…

If I really believed that My God can handle me – Would I live my life differently?

If I really believed that My God can handle me… then wouldn’t I stop choosing to live as a slave to my failures or insecurities?

I say that I’m forgiven and saved by grace… but then I live my life trying to make up for what I have done and where I fall short. Trying to “prove” that I can “do it”.

It seems there is a (very fine) line between choosing to live a life the way Jesus calls me to out of my response to His great love for me… and being motivated by my belief that I “should” or “have to” for gain.

I’m pretty sure I could get stuck on thinking about what my true motivation is… hmmm… maybe that isn’t the point.

Excuse me while I process this “out-loud” here…

I just wonder if others struggle with what it really looks like to live a life knowing that no matter what I do – His love is abundant.
No matter what I think – His grace abounds.
No matter what angry words slip out – He invites confession and forgiveness.

I wonder if my life would look differently if I lived as though I am FREE…
Because you know what? I AM… and it really isn’t from anything that I have done or could ever do.

So… what does this look like in daily living?

Am I free to live however I want… say whatever I want… no matter what? Is that what real freedom looks like?

Being real in my freedom and abundant living doesn’t mean I choose to continue in a lifestyle of sinful living.
It doesn’t mean I take the grace and price paid for granted…
And, it also doesn’t mean that I am now forced to a life of “shoulds” and “should-nots” – I mean, that isn’t freedom, is it?

This I know.
I have decided to follow Jesus... because He loves me so.
I want to live in a way that pleases Him... because He first loved me and demonstrated that on the cross.
But, I will – over and over again – make bad choices.
I will react instead of respond the way I would want to…
I will say things I don’t mean that are hurtful…
I will be tempted and will give in to that temptation every once and a while too.

And… my God. He KNOWS this about me.

He already knows… that is why He came.

And choosing to follow Him…
choosing to accept Him as my Savior…
means that He lives within me and is changing me from the inside out.

Back in the day of the Israelites – the Lord gave the 10 commandments… a list of what His people needed to do and way to live.
It is a bar that they could never live up to… a standard that I can never live up to.

But, when Jesus came – He wrote the Law on our hearts…
it isn’t a list of things to do and not do. Instead, it is a transformation of the old ugly to the new beautiful.

“He who began a good work in you – will continue to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6

He knows I am a work in progress. And He LOVES abundantly still.

I don’t have to be perfect… because I’m not.

And this King I serve… my Creator… He knows.
His grace is sufficient.
He can handle the truth hiding deep in the depths of my heart…

He simply waits for me to open up the door to my heart so He can come in and make it all beautiful.

My ugly… His beautiful.