I have to keep coming back to it

I cannot put words to how stressful buying our first home was for us. It sounds trivial… but, Seriously. No words.

We closed three weeks late after being told we were going to lose the house (and along with it, opportunity to buy in the near future)…

Everything around me wanted to focus on my circumstances.

Everything around me pointed to how impossible this was and I questioned why we were putting in so much energy to fight for this house.

Everything in me was worn out and tired.

I was in the middle of a product launch for my business and worked on that during the night – giving me, on average, 4 hours of sleep… and by day I was busy hunting down new paperwork, writing and gathering letters, and whatever else needed to be done to try to close on the house. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

I clearly remember one morning… after I hung up with our mortgage broker having a conversation with my Lord.

“This is impossible Lord… There is no way we are going to get this!” I pleaded.

“Stop looking at the circumstances and look at ME.” was His almost audible reply.

“Okay… I’m focusing on you Lord.” Verses of encouragement and reminders of His character filled my mind… for about 30 seconds. And, then I was back at pleading… “But Father – there is no way! I cannot stay on the phone with this company pleading again that they write and fax this letter… they won’t do it… This isn’t going to work.”

“Focus on me. Eyes on me.”

“Okay…” Psalm 27:13-14 come to mind… I say it outloud. I am at peace and my Spirit is still for another… 30 seconds or so. {I’m a slow learner}…

“God… I am SO WEAK and tired! Even our mortgage guy is saying this is an uphill battle… We are going to lose the house.”

“Eyes on me.”

“Okay.” and I quote Philippians 4:6-9 – Be anxious for nothing… The peace that is promised when we choose to dwell on things of His character covers my mind… until my mind wanders again after about 45 seconds in His presence.

UGH.
My King and I had this conversation for most of the day. Me choosing to focus on Him… and not a minute later being distracted by my overwhelming circumstances.

I am so human.

And, He knows it.

I have to keep coming back to it. To Him.

Otherwise the rising sea will suck me in. It is a second by second choice… and often I choose wrong. Tell me I’m not alone in this…

Makes me think of Peter… when He stepped out of the boat to walk on water with His Lord. His eyes solely on the Lord. It didn’t take long for Peter to see the waves around him though did it. Oh, I am so like that… of little faith.

Here I am struggling to keep my eyes gazed on my King as we face our unknown adventure of with my husband’s job loss… an adventure that is sometimes disguised as a ‘storm’.

I am a slow learner… but I serve a King who is a patient teacher.

Were you encouraged here?

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